The Unicorn List

I’m starting to sound a bit like a broken record when it comes to talking about the Strumpet life.

Everything is very much the same, day in and day out. There’s few surprises anymore. And considering the kind of freaks who call the lines, that’s not really a positive thing. But at this point, almost four years into the game, it’s not shocking anymore.

I had a gentleman who wanted middle aged and dumb yesterday. This gave me pause, needless to say. I’ve had many a client tell me how fucking classy I am because I use big words with them (I assume that’s anything other than, “Oooh baby yeah big daddy”), but never any complaint that I’m just too damn intellectual.

Of course, then the gent got on the phone, and I completely understood why he would need someone with the IQ of a fifth grader. And he got mad at me for not talking enough. Sorry, dear, having to limit my vocabulary tends to limit my tongue.

There is a very short list of clients I would like to have some day. It varies, of course. One of them being, where are the men who want to feed their whores? I know this exists. But dammit. Every time I sit down with my breakfast/lunch/dinner, the phone rings, and by the time I’m done, the food is cold. Where are the clients who want to hear me eat? I will chow down on bacon just for you, baby. It’s all for you.

Hell, I miss the extremely old and confused client who loved to hear me smoke cigarettes. If I’ve gone too long without a call, I know all I have to do is step outside, light a cigarette, and away we go!

Also, I want a furry. I want a furry very much. Ever since that episode of CSI where furries were featured, I’ve been fascinated by this culture. It seems…odd, truth be told, to dress up in heavy costume to get your rocks off, but it’s something I have no understanding of. So while I now have a comprehensive understanding of men who want to fornicate with their maternal figures, I still can’t figure out why someone wants to get off with a giant squirrel.

Today, one of my items got bumped off the list. And I reacted like my dispatcher had just told me Collin Farrell was on the other line.

“I have a call for Bunny. It’s a woman.”

I’ve had women on my line twice, but never as the caller. One was a man who wanted me to tell him what to do with his girlfriend. I questioned heavily whether the female voice in the background was actually a girlfriend, or a porn movie. She didn’t really speak, only some moaning, which didn’t…really fit with where we were in our conversation. But maybe he was just doing a really good job.

The other was completely weird. It was very early in my Strumpeting, before I’d garnered enough experience to realize I should roll with this and see just how badly it could turn out. A client was on the phone when his alleged daughter-in-law came to the house. He started talking about what he wanted to do with her, and asked my permission to do so.

She didn’t sound unwilling, more eye-rolling than anything, as though this happens all the time, and she’s used to it. I don’t recall where the gentleman lives, but I suspect backwoods bumpkin action was in play. I was gobsmacked, and didn’t quite know where to take the call. It was a decent call, but I could’ve stretched it out more if I’d played along.

Today, I got my first, bona fide female client. And I squealed like a woman. My dispatcher was certain she had broken me, because I couldn’t stop giggling (yes, giggling) with glee.

I’ve wondered since the beginning if we got female clients. I’ve been told we do, but I’d never had one, so I assumed they didn’t want the mature sounding voice. (No mommy fucking daughters?) This one wanted late 20’s, early 30’s, which I can easily handle (just a little more upturn to the tone, since I actually am early 30’s). She also bought a small time frame, so I was disappointed I wasn’t going to get to really appreciate my lone female client.

She was adorable. Wanted to play with a woman, never had. She asked for a talker, but she did most of the work, I just went along for the ride. It was very quick, but brand spankin’ new. And I was left absolutely thrilled to finally knock off one of my Unicorn Clients.


BRING ON THE FURRIES.