Different Strokes

For all my blasé talk about playing games and pinning recipes while strumpeting, this is not an easy job.

Depending on how closely you’ve read the blog, this may sound amusing to you. Moaning and groaning and saying dirty words? Yeah, what’s curing cancer in comparison to that tough gig?

I acknowledge that mimicking gagging sounds is not rocket science. And sure, moaning and groaning and whispering, “Oh, god, you’re too big” could get the job done just fine, and I could collect my paycheck and keep my whining to myself.

But to be a good phone strumpet, to keep the boys rolling in and the dispatchers in your good graces, you have to have a bit extra. For one thing, you can’t exit the gate at full speed. If he grabs the rabbit too soon, you haven’t gotten your money’s worth.

Or, more accurately, you haven’t gotten your money. We’re paid by the minute, remember?

There’s a certain amount of finesse, too. Just because he calls you a cheap, dirty cocksucker doesn’t mean you have to be easy. I like to play with my food. Get the name, get the description. How else will you know he’s a 6”2 bodybuilder with a monster cock and rock hard abs?

Example of a client in need of finessing:

Strumpet: ”Hello.”
Client: ”Hey, baby. How YOU doin’?”
”Mmm, I’m doing amazing tonight. Who am I talking to?”
”Enh, that’s not important. How big are your tits?”
”Ha ha ha, mmm. They’re 36Cs. So, what do you look like?”
”Enh, average. How’s your pussy looking?”

I really hate these guys. Suck me, fuck me, get me off, and 60 seconds in, click.

Fuck you and your mother, if I had the ability to charge your credit card for a 40 minute call, I would just on principle.

Three years into this gig, and I’m still not an expert at it. Sometimes it’s easier than others. Once, when the client pushed past the details, I paused for about two seconds, and said, “Sooooo, you’re not going to tell me what you look like?”

Enter the Strumpet, shaming her clients into slowing down. Whatever gets the job done.

The point being, there’s a rhythm to strumpeting, and every Strumpet is different. There is no script. We may have our techniques down, but what works for John Mart will never work for John Singer. At least, I hope not. John Mart is no walk in the park.

This entry is about having my rhythm thrown off completely.

For a period of time, I was extremely busy on the phones for the simple reason that I have three way calling. People are surprised to learn that we offer three ways through the phone lines. Why not? It certainly makes it easier when you have a client who wants to be gang banged by two chicks with dicks to have two deep voiced strumpets manning each end.

Advice to future strumpets: Invest in three way calling. I had to do my bubbly high-pitched Britney voice a few times for the 20 year old version of me, but mostly I was still the mother, and my co-star was the naughty, naughty daughter.

It was during this time frame that I realized two things. One, I was right in my belief that I am not your average strumpet. I don’t give them exactly what they want. I don’t agree with everything they say. Do I like having a guy jack off into my hair? Nooooo, sweetie. That causes frizzy hair. Aim lower. Do I like getting pounded up the ass? Um, sure, if that’s your thing, but you do realize women can’t come like that, right?

”Wait, really?”

(Actual conversation)

(Twice)

The second realization is that other strumpets are really annoying. I learned more about how not to Strumpet from those calls than anything a dispatcher has told me in three years.

For one thing, having three people throws off your aforementioned rhythm. I get terribly annoyed when a client interrupts me. Let me say hello. Let me ask your name. Let me ask what you look like. If you want to ask me something, wait until I’m done talking.

“Hi, there.”
”Hey.”
”Who am-“ ”What’s your name?”
::pause::
”My name’s Bunny. What’s y-“ ”What do you look like?”
::longer pause::
”WELL…”

It doesn’t start out the call on a good foot. Now, imagine having three people talking at one time. Sure, you can attempt to not step on each other’s toes, but inevitably, you will either talk over each other, or there will be huge periods of dead air, where everyone is waiting for another to speak first.

Then there’s description. Unless the caller purposefully asks for a stick figure with giant watermelons on her chest, I’m not going to give myself porn star measurements. The other gals are very comfortable weighing in at 105 pounds with triple E breasts, and peroxide blonde hair. And quite naturally, they’re wearing their sexiest bustiers with thigh highs and garter belts.

It’s 2:00 on a Saturday. What the hell are you doing walking around your house dressed like that? Do you plan on going anywhere today? Is no one coming by your house? Do you plan on stepping outside like that?

Maybe I’m over thinking this. Different times of the day call for different clothing. End of the night, just a T-shirt, curled up on my couch, ready to “relax” before bed. (Code: Get me off, big boy). Early evening on a weekday, mmm, just kicked off my heels and stretching my legs out on my couch. (Code: I might be wearing stockings. Also, my heels are within reach, let’s get them in the air) Afternoon on a weekday: Just came in from a walk, in shorts and a tank top. (Code: Damn, I am sporty and sexy and tan and take me now, you sexy, sexy man)

Then there’s the endearments. Dear freaking lord, the endearments.

“Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, baby. Mmmmmmmmmmm, yeah, baby. Oh, baby. Oh, baby, are you still there? Mmm, baby, that sounds fun. Oh, baby, right there. Mmmm. Oh, baby. ”

Really? Did…did you forget his name? Do you do this to your significant other? Because if someone called me baby that many times in conversation, they wouldn’t be my baby anymore. The only time I use “baby” is when our time is almost up, and I want more money. Sad voice: “Oh, baby, we’re coming up on five minutes. Wanna keep going?”

I have clients who abuse endearments. There’s one who says the word “darling” after every sentence. He’s one of the suitors, and he wants to dance. Darling. And he asks permission to kiss me. Darling. And he wants to put his hands under my blouse. Darling.

My eye twitches every time he says Darling. I am always tempted to say, “Please stop doing that, darling, you’re taking me out of the mood.”

I suspect the answer would be, “Oh, darling, I’m so sorry.” And then I might weep.

Other strumpets are also entirely too emphatic for my taste. They get really really loud, and porny. And while guys, for the most part, do enjoy their porn, I have faith that those with any semblance of a decent IQ know that “OH OH OH OH OH OHHHHHHHHHH THAT FEELS SO GOOD OH MY GOD RIGHT THERE YES YOU ARE DOING IT SO GOOOOD OHHHHH BABY” is…not realistic.

“MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, THAT’S SO GOOD!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHH, BUNNY ISN’T THAT GREAT?!”

He just squeezed your breasts. I don’t…. I don’t… I….

Not that all three way calls are bad. I’ve actually “met” some very awesome girls on the lines. One strumpet had the absolute best blow job noise I’ve ever heard. She told me how to mimic it, but I can’t manage it to save my life. I wish I remembered her name, I would message and ask her for better pointers.

My favorite story is the guy with the tickle fetish. He just wanted two girls to tickle each other, no sex required. We took turns, which was perfect because as easy as it sounds to giggle your head off for the 40 or so minutes we were on the call, you get pretty light headed after awhile, and your face hurts. After he hung up, we laughed at him for real for a good five minutes before hanging up.

Most of the time, I end up fairly silent on the three way calls. I don’t mean to, and I don’t do it on purpose. But having my rhythm thrown off puts me off my game. And I am never willing to match their porn star screams, so I get lost.

You want realism? I will moan, and emphatically agree, but unless you actually ask me to scream, I am not throwing my voice out for you. I keep excellent notes, and will moan your name in my sultriest tone, and tell you your cock/tongue/nose/toe/whatever body part you’re using today is amazing. But I will damn well do it in my T-shirt and panties, and leave the garter belts for the amateurs.