So, let’s talk dating websites.
Random subject for a phone strumpet, I do realize. But when it comes to meeting a man you’ve only spoken to via technology, who better to tell you what kind of person you’re dealing with than someone who communicates regularly with the freaks of the world via technology?
Some months back, a Strumpet friend of mine asked for some assistance in verbally bitch slapping someone on a forum she belonged to. Verbal bitch slapping is one of my main hobbies, so I went to the website, which turned out to be an online dating website. Frustratingly, I couldn’t see the full forum conversation without being a member. I threw together an account, texted her some basic responses, and forgot about the website.
However, from then on, I continuously received e-mails about “New singles in your area!” It was annoying, but because they were coming through to a waste e-mail account, they were easily ignored. But one evening, chained to my computer and having pinned and tumblr’d everything there was, I went snooping through the dating website.
The horror. The horror.
If you want to get a good read on the kinds of men who call a phone sex line, go take a look at a free dating website. And as much as I wanted to share the horrors with friends, I didn’t want to own up to belonging to a dating website.
I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with joining a dating website. I have heard of people finding love on many sites, such as E-Harmony, Match.com, and even Plenty of Fish.
I’ve never heard of anyone finding love on Adult Friend Finder, however. And after viewing this website (which links to AFF, so I should’ve known what I would get), it’s only one step up.
Doing this job can do interesting things to your libido. In other words, it goes completely away. I speak only from my experience, but in general I don’t expect to want to see a penis for at least six more months. This makes being on a dating website even funnier.
I fleshed out my profile, first with a picture of just my hair. The website didn’t care for this, and demanded a face picture. Okay.
The number of compliments I get on my beautiful eyes keeps me amused for days.
Under the cut, I will share with you some of the more interesting things I’ve seen via the site, along with their client type. A little heads up before you move on: This is a rather long entry, full of quotes. I want everyone to understand that as truly hi-larious as it is to hear about the gents I speak to on these calls, they exist in real life.
Here’s my profile information:
Joined the site for a friend. Now here wildly judging you for your "About Me" description. Hint: Ladies love a man who knows how to use a vowel. Rawr.
Also, for that profile picture of you grabbing your crotch in your boxers. Really, dude? Couldn't find a more desperate shot? How about a sign that says, "This is my penis. Please play with it. It's been so long, and my hand's getting callused."
Speaking of which. Guys, no one wants to see your penis. No. one. Unless the desperate young lady on the other end of the computer screen asks (and we know that's how you like them), don't send pictures of your dick. They'll be used to publicly ridicule you elsewhere, which, while funny, is unnecessary.
I'm sure you're very proud that you have a penis, no matter how shriveled. I'm sure you're also proud of those participation trophies you won in little league. No one wants to see either one of those.
Messages
The married man:
“Hey hi discrete lady how was u long weekend.”
Not so good, actually. But my z weekend was fantastic.
“I'm a discreet type guy ,,but I'm a good quality friend even if its just friends ,thanks ,,I am married ,but missing friendship at home ,looking for it somewhere else "if I can get it " lol I know it sounds bad ,but just trying ,thanks”
Back away from the comma button, sweetie.
The Waaaay Too Attached To a Random Woman Via Technology:
- Wats up luv
- Hey sweetie...How are you this morning?
- Hey sweetie... How are you tonight? (Same guy, different time frame)
- Hey pretty lady how are you doing today
- Hey sugar how are you?
- hey bunny baby
- Hi gorgeous I really love ur hair
- Hello beautiful how's your day going
- Hi luv
- are u always so sarcastic sexy?
Hi. Would you want to talk to a submissive guy?
Let me give you a phone number to call.
The “I can’t be bothered to speak loudly or clearly”:
- hello hru
- Hey Gm
- HMU
- hmu
- HMU
- hmu
- hey bay i want to know if you date blacky man
Seriously, you’re computer literate enough to use a dating website. Is a keyboard that complicated?
The “Where do I put this thing again?”:
I can't really see if you have legs bunny if your in a wheel chair that is miss leading
“Tell me you love me.”
Hello hun my name is [omitted] i am a good hearted caring man that is honest , faithfull. I am looking for a passionate loving woman that can be filled with my love. If you want to chat and want to know more hun just ask.
Forever alone:
Lol i like ur about me...
Oh but seriously u 40?
One quick question are u really 31and plz be honest.
Im looking for a friend srry if my other msges were to personal..
Can u just be honest and say im not ir type or ugly and not interested....im the kind of person that just wants honesty u know?
Also the kind of person whose rather needy. I’ve dated your kind before.
The Clueless:
would u come over and meet a couple tonight and have some shots or something?
Take a trip to [omitted town] bunny
The winners! There’s always at least one.
Cute profile quips
Lmao!!! I love the profile pic....overyly attached girlfriend meme's are so funny...good touch
Conversation
“I want a fuck friend”
PS: “And what in my profile gave you the impression I would want to be your fuck friend?”
“just asking, I want a woman on the side and you look like my type of woman”
PS: “The type who mocks people in their online profile? That seems like a fuck buddy to you?”
“stop being so hard on your self you look lke a very nice and beautiful woman”
PS: “Feeling I'm worth more than fuck buddy is the opposite of being hard on myself. Go find someone who's actually desperate.”
“ok, but it is good dick”
Now, this exchange in itself is hilarious enough. But the next day, I receive this message.
“good morning my sexy snowbunny”
PS: “Still haven't found anybody to play with your mini tootsie roll, I see.”
The profiles
We’ve discussed my own profile. Let’s look at some others, who’ve clicked that they want to “meet” me.
I'm hunting for more greatness. I've got every mans "dream" woman. An Because of that she only wants other women as sexy an intelligent as her. We are looking for some one we can chill with. An that is not easy so holla if you think you you can fit the bill. Shit holla if you not a sheep. I hate closed minds!!
Holla.
I am energetic and I believe age is simply a number.
"I like it when you call me Daddy."
I am looking for a jeeping buddy
I like artsy, and classy. I like sexy and some ghetto even.
Do you have a heartbeat? You’re my kinda gal.
I'm open to anything ask me anything.
Meet the “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” client.
massage me if you would like to know me.
Seems kind of a personal way to get to know each other. Can we start with a light back scratch?
God fearing guy don't play games with me because I will not respond u own yo own I figured u have your own money now u grown not a baby plus.well I am a good listener so [omitted] PS sometimes my name taste like shit when mentioned in a bad way have a good mourning-noon-evening-goodnight
“You’re a good little slut, aren’t you?”
I'm not into games and I don't like being ignored so if you don't have the time or patience to contact me at least once a day keep on looking and skip my profile I'm looking for long term serious relationship only and I'm only into mature women
“Hi, Mommy.”
Last notes
I’ve received three phone numbers, unsolicited. I have yet to decide if I should have a bit of fun with this information, or just quietly delete.
Discussing with a coworker at the boring job the horrors of this website, she said, “You should be more open to this! Maybe you could actually find someone!”
This is one of the “status updates” the the gents can post to the ladies of the site.
“I Love You u because youre u. ILY bcause u love me. ILY bcause besides GOD u help complete me. ILY bcause ur the greatest gift to man. ILYour strength ur mind body and soul. u were made just for me.”
I may change my profile picture.
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