A dear Strumpet friend of mine, who we’ll refer to as J, posted a link to my Facebook page today.
Suing for Too Much Sex: A woman in Florida has sued her employers for developing carpal tunnel syndrome – also known as repetitive motion injury – in both hands. She got it from too much masturbating.
Now, the heading and opening paragraph were enough to grab my attention. Is this woman claiming to actually masturbate during every phone call she gets?
She is a phone sex operator and apparently is required to masturbate up to 7 times a day for her clients. She would use one hand on the phone and the other on herself to get an orgasm.
Cue cherry coke all over my computer keyboard. Seven times a day? Really? You’re diddling yourself seven times a day, and the only thing that hurts are your wrists? Connect me with your lube guy.
Now, I’ve mentioned before that Strumpeting is not the most lucrative career choice. It’s a lovely supplement to a boring day job, but I’m not tapping Louboutins on the floor for my shoe fuckers. Plus, it’s not predictable work. When you get paid on a per minute basis, you have no guarantee how much you will earn on a day to day basis. Sure, on a full moon you can rack up the crazies, but some days, the clients are going to church, or AA, or just haven’t paid their credit card bill, and you can end up with one 5 minute call to report.
So, how much can she really going to get for her troubles?
She filed for worker’s compensation and claimed weekly benefits of $267 and also wants to be reimbursed $30,000 for medical bills, after a neurosurgeon operated on her hand.
I’m working for the wrong Strumpet company.
Naturally, I wanted to know the outcome of this case, so I did some Google Fu. The date of the article is 2007, but it appears this case actually happened in November of 1999. I was 17 at the time, and just beginning to be told by random strangers that I had “a lovely voice”.
It took a bit of digging, but as it turns out, my Strumpeting ancestor won her case, for a “minimal amount because ‘mediator Joseph Hand, a retired workers' comp judge, told her she'd have a tough time’ winning. (Source)
Let’s all take a moment to titter at Mr. Hand’s unfortunate association with this case.
Now, I’m a handsy gal. And not in the Strumpet way. I’m a knitter. I type 120 words a minute. I’m Italian, and as with most of my over gesticulating breed, if I were to sit on my hands, I would be unable to speak. I do regular wrist exercises to ensure I don’t get carpal tunnel.
Carpal tunnel from masturbating actually sounds legit. I have cracked many a joke to people of both sexes who were experiencing wrist pain, that a significant other would drastically reduce such inconveniences.
But carpal tunnel from masturbating minimally seven times a day, because it is “required” for your job as a phone sex operator?
For one thing, you must have a libido of steel. The douchebag on the phone who is calling you “his little cunt” and telling you to “take it up your booty hole” is really inspiring you to double click your mouse? You don’t dry up immediately when your client says, “Daddy’s good girl”?
The only way a phone strumpet could potentially masturbate to each and every call that comes in would be if she (or he, though to be fair, I’ve yet to meet a male strumpet. Call me) were a nymphomaniac. From what I understand about this disorder, it’s not about being turned on. It’s no different than an alcoholic who doesn’t much care what the alcohol tastes like, they just want the feeling of drinking. In this situation, the strumpet very well could rub herself raw all day every day.
To you, oh ground breaking Strumpet Sister, I call the highest form of bullshit.
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