Frequently Asked Question

I knew I had to make one more entry before 2010 is up. I just couldn’t leave my first year as a Strumpet with no final entry.

But what would it be about? I have one client I’ve been wanting to mention lately, but he’s not worthy of a final entry. The fact that he refers to my vagina as a honeybun is amusing, but not year-end worthy.

Strumpet resolutions for the new year? Tempting. But on considering this, I realized that they had more to do with new computer games and various ways to get away with eating while talking. Not titillating material by any stretch.

A year-end summary of the types of calls I got all year? Could be interesting. But my client cards runneth over, and I don’t particularly feel like running down all the different types for you, with reminders or explanations about the type of caller.

Then I realized that I had an untouched idea. My clients ask mostly the same questions every call. In some cases, I roll my eyes and have to suppress a long sigh when getting asked the same questions over again, because I answer the same way each time.

For the most part, I have my Strumpet persona built. I’m the same person for each call, with variants added based upon the clients requests. Appearance, kinks, it’s all there to be picked from my brain and spat through the phone.

So, for my year-end entry, we’re going to play Get to Know Your Strumpet.

Client: So, what’s your name?

A strumpet’s fantasy name is very important. The style of your name says everything you need to know about them. For example, if a woman with a sexy voice told you her name was Gertrude, you would not be turned on. Mildred? My grandmother’s name was Mildred. Nice enough name, not inspiring hard-ons.

If you have a voice that makes you sound like you just bought your first illegal pack of cigarettes, your name needs to end with a y/ie/ee. When you think of sexy sassy cheerleader-type vixens, the names that would spring to mind run through this styling. Britney. Ashley. Tiffany. If you want to focus on the younger requests, your name really must end in a “ee” sound.

I do not have a young voice. My voice is mature. It is the voice of many years of living, much sexual experimenting. Clients hear my voice and picture…their mothers. Not all of them, though. But my voice attached to an “ee” name would never work. I wouldn’t be able to say it convincingly.

My name is just the right medium. It’s classic enough to be for an old broad, but with a touch of sexy sassiness. It’s Southern based, which also works in my favor, as I don’t lie about where I’m from. Clients ask questions about locations. Irritating fact.

Client: Beautiful name. You sound so sexy. What do you look like, baby?

Funny you should ask.

Most clients don’t get specific about what they want, looks-wise. Occasionally I get someone who describes me from tips to tail. I always write down when clients have exact wishes, because the speech I give on what I look like is very exact. I change the tempo and speed each time, so I don’t sound like I memorized it. If I don’t pay attention, I find myself rapidly backpedaling. (I have red hair…er, reddish blonde. Strawberry blonde. More blonde than red.)

Red hair, blue eyes. I could make myself blonde quite easily. But for one thing, I’m a natural blonde who dyes her hair red. I’m trying to get away from the blondeness. For another, if I was the type to lie to my clients (more than I already do), blonde would be the easiest way to go. Red throws them off, and makes them trust me more. Lastly, redheads are stereotypically feisty. It sets a tone. As for the eyes, I have blue eyes, and I’m proud of them.

5’4, 130 pounds. I really am that short. And that weight puts me in the curvy category, which is the only way I would be happy. Some clients request BBWs, at which point I bounce it to somewhere between 230-250. The ones who want slim and petite get 110-115. Tranny Strumpet is 5’9, around 170 pounds. I have no idea what this proportion would look like. My Tranny alter-ego is tall and slender, in my mind.

36C breasts. Fun fact: My actual bra size. Though Regulation Strumpet has full Cs. I chose to go with Cs because I knew I would be getting the calls for the more mature crowd. The bigger you go, the farther they fall. Cs may sag, but they generally won’t hit my pubic bone anytime soon. The guys who want lots of T&A get 40DDD breasts. I generally don’t stray from these two measurements. Tranny Strumpet has 36Bs.

Tranny Strumpet has a 7 inch cock. I don’t describe my ass, and I wait for them to ask about the vajayjay.

Client: How old are you?

The answer I’m not allowed to give: “How old did you ask that I be?”

The youngest I’ve been is 22, and that was when we were low on girls. The oldest was 67. Client Age Requests vs. What I Give:

• 40’s - 43
• Late 40’s - 47
• 50’s - 52
• Late 50’s - 58
• 60’s - 62
• The Oldest You’ve Got - 67

I don’t waver from these. It’s not an active choice, it’s just the ages that automatically come to mind.

Client: Mmmm. So sexy. Do you shave your pussy?

I do not. Unless they ask that I do. Despite what all the fashion magazines have to say on the subject, my clients don’t seem to want freshly shaved/waxed. A lot of them prefer full bush, but just the though of it makes me twitch, so instead, I trim. Besides, the older I am, the less there would be, anyway.

Client: Yeah, I like that. So, what are you into?

Answer I’m not allowed to give: “Whatever you want me to be into. You’re paying.”

The art of Strumpeting is different for every girl. I’ve only heard two other Strumpets since I started on the line, and that was via threesome, where I couldn’t sit back and take notes. But I’m not one to jump in with sexy sassiness right away. I start coy, telling them “a bit of everything.”

When the client responds: “Like what?” I roll my eyes. I’m going to have to do all the heavy lifting in this equation.

The short list of likes are oral sex, sex in public, threesomes, being spanked, and anal. The list has changed as I’ve taken more calls. That which is requested the most goes on the list.

Client: Threesomes, eh? Heh heh heh. So, is there anything you won’t do?

I always appreciate this question, even if I can’t answer it. No Taboo Line = you’re going to do it whether they want it or not. Plus there are many clients who get off on saying things they think will make the girls angry or uncomfortable. I call those the Shockers, and they deserve their own entry.  So my response is always, “Haven’t found anything yet.”

Client: What are you wearing right now?

I have never said lingerie. I have never said completely naked. I take my calls during daylight hours. Again with the realism. T-shirt and panties are the norm. Occasionally I throw in a pair of shorts. Clients with kinks get additions, such as thigh highs under a business skirt, or a just tossed off pair of heels.

Client: So, what’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done?

Answer I’m not allowed to give: I cut the “Do not remove this tag” tag from a new mattress.

I hate this question. I hate this question so much, I tell my clients I hate it when they ask it. I say it with a soft chuckle, but I really hate this question. There are too many variables. Client number one wants to hear how I had sex with Daddy while Mommy was asleep in the other room. Client number five wants to hear how I got gangbanged at a Frat party, and the final cock was from a donkey. And Client 15 can’t handle anything stronger than I once touched myself in the naughty place while watching a racy music video.

I cannot give you a standard answer for this. My brain tends to go blank, because I realize how many answers there could be. Every situation is different, yet no less irritating.

Client: So, back to the threesomes. Ever been with two guys at once?

Yes.

Client: What’s the biggest cock you’ve been with?

I find this question amusing, for a variety of reasons. My answer never wavers, always 9 inches. If they ask for girth, it’s 3 inches. Current boyfriend/husband/strap-on is 7 inches. Again, these are numbers that just stay in my brain, it’s not something I purposefully try for.

Client: Do you have kids?

Only if they ask that I do. And they’re never below the age of 14. Unless they request it, I never have daughters. Only sons.

Client: Have you ever thought about messing around with your son?

Sigh.

Client: Huh?

No, not my son. But his little friends, of course. Because I’m not like a regular Mom, I’m a Cool Mom. I’m gonna make you guys a Hump Day treat.

Client: Anybody ever mess with you when you were little?

Cousins. Or distant uncles. Never immediate family, unless requested.

Client: How about two girls? Two girl Threesome?

Yes.

Client: More than?

Yes.

Client: That’s so hot.

Uh huh.

Client: When’s the last time you got fucked?

Years and years, dear god, how I need your cock. Give it to me now.

I usually give it a week. If they request a married lady, it’s a day. Never same day.

Client: Did you say you’d been with two guys before? Do you like seeing two guys together?

Yes.

Client: You gonna suck my cock now, or what?

There are other questions, varied and interesting. And I’m sure I’m leaving something out. But these are the ones I get and always have a standard answer for.

They are my clients, and I adore most all of them, in their own ways. They provide their own special combination of hilarity, disgust, and desperation.

Plus they pay.

Happy New Year, everyone.

And for those that were hoping for a different kind of entry: