Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Strumpet Thanksgiving

This strumpet takes holidays off. Not the fake holidays, like Labor Day, or Good Friday. But the big ones, I actually do have a family, and friends outside the internet world, and activities have been planned.

I have much to be thankful for this year, not least of which is the amazing opportunity to talk to some of the oddest human beings in North America. Hoping to expand my clientele to include other countries, but as of right now, I'm stuck with Americans and Canadians.

Every year, I really enjoy making a list of everything I am thankful for. For years, it's helped get me through horrendous family bonding. So, for the first Thanksgiving as a Phone Strumpet, may I present the Top 10 Things I Am Thankful For: Strumpet Edition.

10) My Cats
My clients ask me on a pretty regular basis, "What are you doing right now?" It is inappropriate for me to answer them truthfully. "Why, right now I am playing Ranch Rush, and tweeting those funny noises you keep making." Rather than be truthful and shrivel their...egos, I have to lie. And I dislike lying. But then there are times when I'll be on a call, and one of my two cats will jump on my lap. And I will start petting her. And then when a client asks what I'm doing, I do not have to lie.

9) Religious and Societal Intolerance of Alternative Lifestyles
In my Non Strumpet life, this would never touch my thankful list. However, as a Strumpet? I couldn't be happier. If it were not for the gun toting, bible thumping, pedophile protecting, sign waving wingnuts, I would lose about 1/4 of my clientele. What would these men do if they could walk out in public and be comfortable in their miniskirts and thigh high leather boots? They wouldn't need Dr. Strumpet anymore! And if there weren't any Catholic/Mormon/Muslim shame for liking to blow another guy, I'd never hear about glory holes and that back room in the Adult Bookstore. They wouldn't need me to humiliate them, and shame them for their sex lives. I would be very sad to lose these clientele. I guess the bumpkins have their uses after all.

8) High heels
And not just because my legs look DAMN good in a pair of kinky heels. My shoe collection went desperately unused for years. It wasn't until I accepted my role as a Strumpet that I realized just how much use I was going to get out of my heels. My clients love my heels. They love hearing me describe them. They love to tell me how they'd lick my heels. They love the sound they make as I walk my floor. Which, really? Wouldn't they rather picture me laying on a bed/sofa/kitchen table? Do you really want to wank off to me walking? But either way. None of this would be possible if it weren't for my heels.

7) Porn
Oh, porn industry. Words cannot explain how much I appreciate your educational qualities. If it weren't for online porn sites, adult book stores, and On Demand, my clients would have zero knowledge of how to have sex with a woman, other than remedial sexual education. These men haven't been touched by a female hand, but they've seen other men be touched by them. This is what has shaped their sexual knowledge, and this is what they expect all women to act like. Thank you, porn industry. Without you, I would have even more calls where the men think my nipple can go up their rectum.

6) Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll
The first should be a no brainer, explanation wise. I will not say how long I've been experiencing parts A and B, but I've been going to rock and roll concerts since I was six years old. Around the time of 15 and 16, I learned what it was to go to a rock concert and scream my head off for the band rocking out on the stage. For anyone curious, my excited exclamations could potentially deafen an elephant. Between screaming at concerts and smoking, my vocal chords have taken a serious beating. This has led to a very deep, sultry phone voice. If it weren't for the last two of this equation, my Strumpet career would have been over before it began.

5) The Mute Button

Oh, mute button. If I were a poet, I would compose sonnets in your honor. As it is, I can only stare dreamily at your square shape, and silently thank you as I click the button, guffaw loudly, then click it again to continue my emphatic agreement. If it weren't for you, my clients who want to impregnate me would realize how ridiculous it sounds. Without you, my clients who want to defile their mothers would understand that this 28-year old would rather chew live rabid pit bull flesh than tell you what a good baby boy you are. Oh, mute button. What would I do without you?

4) Bad Mothers

Every mother has a bad day. Some days, you just cannot get up off the couch to fix your child dinner, so instead, you send them to the pantry for Pop Tarts and Oreos. And that's okay. And, if you live in a one bedroom apartment with your child, you share the same bed, and you sleep naked, that is your own prerogative. Please, feel free to talk openly with your child about your sex life. Breast feed him until he's 12, maybe 13. Have the talk with him while wearing filmy lingerie, and complain that you haven't had a man in too long. This seems normal to you, and eventually, it will seem normal to him. So normal, he will have the exact same conversations with his Strumpet, 10 years later. Keep up the good work, Mom!

3) Phone Slut Diary
I miss this website desperately. Back in 2001-2002, I stumbled across this website via another friend's link, and it immediately became My Favorite Website of All Time. Doxy, the self proclaimed Phone Slut, was candid and graphic in her description of her clients. I learned more about being a Strumpet reading her blog than I have working in the industry for the past five months. Unlike me, she had a real enthusiasm for the situations her clients had her in. She (allegedly) was turned on by their kinks, and took great pleasure in their naughty little fantasies. I vaguely remember the details of some of her best clients, and I wish her blog was still around for those clients who shut me up completely. My sarcasm was born from my own brain, but my desire to share the stories came directly from reading her blog.

2) Headsets

Anyone who has worked a job that involves talking on the phone for an extended period of time can tell you the necessity of owning a headset. For the calls that last a grand total of 3 minutes, the headset doesn't seem important. However, if you add up all those 3 minute calls, that is an AWFUL lot of time spent holding a phone to your ear. Add in the panting, groaning, moaning, screaming, and whimpering, and it gets very, very tiresome to hold a receiver. Enter my friend the headset. With the cordless phone clipped to my shirt or waistband, I can wander my house freely, making my bed, folding my laundry, or washing my dishes, all while convincing a client he goes down better than any man ever in existence. I can stand outside and smoke a cigarette, and my neighbors looking out the window don't see me holding a phone and try to hear what I'm talking about. On the seventh day, Strumpet God said, "Let there be headsets." And it was good.

And the number one thing this Strumpet is appreciative for:

1) The Internet
What would I do without the interwebs? Leaving out the fact that I need it to communicate with my dispatchers, this job would be 99% less fun without the internet. Let's begin with research. Do you know offhand what a man with a diaper fetish expects to hear from his Mommy? Do you think I do? Do you know the exact anatomical details of a hermaphrodite? Because while I understand the concept.... This job would be nearly impossible without google. But beyond research, sharing the horrors of this job, with both Twitter and you, my small band of nonloyal readers, is the greatest part of the vocation. When I am taking notes on my client, who is requesting a vacuum tube shoved up his...well, you get the point. In my head I'm thinking, "Oh, this is going to be a blog entry."

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Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

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