Ain't that a kick in the rubber parts?

I haven't decided what the format of this blog is going to be. I mean, in the two days I've worked as an Official Phone Strumpet, I've taken 17 calls from 15 different men, and there is enough fodder to make a complete Doctor Phil book.

So how should I do this? I mean, am I going to make an entry per Client (as they will be referred to)? An entry summing up the night's requests? A weekly round-up?

I guess I will play it by ear. Same way I'm doing it with the job itself.

I think I have a pretty active sexual imagination. I can daydream some really intense sex scenes. And yes, I have read and watched porn. Hell, I used to read an awful lot of bad fanfiction. I would swear a few of these guys are quoting directly from the dialogue in those.

But even I can learn things. So, this entry is going to be about learning experiences, and things I need to learn more about.

Everything I Need to Know About Sex I Learned From Being A Strumpet

1) There is porn for men who enjoy getting kicked in the balls, and/or seeing other men get kicked in the balls.
2) There is porn for men who enjoy having sex (including all foreplay) completely underwater. Also, air hoses and masks are for wimps.
3) There is a "man thong" called The Maximizer that doesn't actually cover anything, but rather, holds the package (mostly) in place.
4) Licking semen from a patent leather shoe (or the equivalent, just not fluffy) has the same texture as giving a blowjob. I don't plan on researching this for my records.

Research: How not to be silent for 10 minutes after hearing what a Client wants

1) When a Client wants you to be his Mommy, are you supposed to be a kind Mommy? Are you a strict Mommy? Does he actually want you to tell him he doesn't have to wear the ruffly panties?

Is there a kink for a woman eating food? Because I tend to take bites just as the damn phone rings, and it's inconvenient to have to swallow that quickly.

Speaking of which. The first person to say "That's what she said" in my comments gets my heel in their ass. I'm learning how to do that, too. In this blog, "That's what she said" is replaced by "Just like our Lord Jesus". It is the only appropriate replacement.

I was hired to be a woman in her 40's. Apparently cigarettes and concert going has aged my voice almost 20 years. This is a good thing, as young voices tend to get the calls I'm least looking forward to.

First call of the job was the ball kicker. Last call of that day was the funnest client I think I may ever have, and I was enjoying our conversation (yes, actual conversation) so much I felt bad that he was paying for it.

This is definitely going to be a bumpy ride.