Isn’t it rather dark in there?

There are many words I use in every day life that are sexual. I don’t mean just in my role as Phone Strumpet. On a regular basis, I will say things like, “Don’t be such a pussy.” “He totally cock blocked me.” Or “God, she’s such a fucking cunt.” That’s a personal favorite of mine.

But when it comes down to sex, I don’t actually use these words. I don’t like the word pussy when referring to a vagina. In fact, I don’t really refer to it at all. I think “vagina” is a very strange word. I dislike the word va-jay-jay as well. I have my own terminology for sex, which really has no relevance here. But if my personal sex tape ever came out, you would never hear me telling the guy to stick his cock in my pussy. If I attempted to say it to be sexy, I would laugh so hard it might potentially turn off the mood.

But these are things I have to say on a regular basis. And if the noises I hear on the other side are any indication, they’re definitely doing something for them. But it’s just so damn weird to say them. “Balls” is another one. It doesn’t sound realistically sexy to my ears when I talk about their balls, but it seems to work for them. I hear a weird inflection in my voice.

But that’s only part of the issue with this specific topic. There’s another word I have to use, fairly regularly. It’s a word I don’t use in any form in real life, and it’s a word I despise. So it takes a lot of working myself up to bring myself to say it.

Now, I have two Strumpet personalities. There’s Regular Strumpet, and then there’s Transvestite Strumpet. Two separate names and everything. I would expect to get the closet gays as Tranny Strumpet. Strangely enough, those guys are seemingly completely comfortable with their sexuality. Chick? Good. Dude? Good. Chick with dick? GOOD.

But as your normal everyday, run-of-the-mill Strumpet, I get a lot of closeted gay men. Why they want to talk to a female about this is especially confusing to me. This isn’t even a Dr. Strumpet situation, where they just want to discuss their proclivities.

A portion of these calls, they want me to “make them” be gay. An example would be, they’re my boyfriend and I want them to have sex with a gay man. I also get an awful lot of guys who want to be forced to eat their own come. It’s so strange. You’re there, alone in theory. No one’s watching. Why do you need someone else to tell you to do that?

But the ones that are the most off putting to me are the humiliation calls. Often times, they’ll inform the dispatcher that they’re looking for this, so I can start psyching myself up right away.

Normal humiliation calls are getting easier for me. Essentially, I just need to be myself. They want to be told they’re pathetic. And, well, they are. So I just have to say whatever it is I’m thinking. They’re probably my easiest calls. It’s just a matter of keeping them on the line long enough to earn money off their pathetic little asses.

But closet men, they want to be called fags. And I really hate that word. It makes my skin crawl just hearing it. And I have to say it over and over and over again during these calls. I have to emphasize that they are freaks because they are fans of the penii. Little fagboy, cocksucker. Had one guy who kept calling himself a fudgepacker.

It’s just…very disturbing. And again, why do you need a woman to do this? If I had studied psychology more, maybe I’d have some deep meaningful thoughts about mommy issues and the like. As it is, it’s just…really sad.

Sad, sad little boys.

Alright, class, pay attention

Alright boys, we need to talk.

And by boys, I mean men. And by men, I mean clients. And by clients, I mean “People who call the Phone Strumpet line because they’re really not going to be getting any from a warm human body anytime soon.”

I’m not entirely certain what you think the experience of calling a Phone Strumpet line is all about. I don’t know if you’ve heard a buddy talking about it, or you’ve watched porn and heard the women talking dirty and thought, “Damn. Why can’t I have a girl tell me to stick my hot steaming rod in her tight wet snatch?”

But let me tell you. You guys need assistance in the fine art of talking to a Phone Strumpet. Probably more than I can provide, but it’s okay, we’ll do this a few steps at a time. I don’t want to overwhelm your sweet, gently used minds.

Let’s start simple.

When speaking to your phone strumpet, you are required to participate.

You cannot get on the phone with your phone strumpet, and then say, “I don’t know" or “Whatever you want” to her inquiries. You may see this as giving her the reins and letting her go crazy on your hot sexy body. This is ideal for you, because, as you know, all PSs are cock starved nymphomaniacs who just cannot get enough of being called a dirty whore.

However, your dirty whore? Needs a little inspiration. Please understand, she talks to MANY, MANY different clients throughout the day (naturally, you’re the biggest, sexiest, and she’s only turned on while talking to you), and they all have different kinks. Now, while Client #1 wants a handy and a titty fuck, Client #3 wants to teabag her and fist her ass. Everyone wants something different. If you don’t tell your strumpet exactly what it is you’re looking for? You’re going to end up with a sparkly pink dildo up your ass and a 240 pound woman sitting on your face. Is that what you wanted? Then you should’ve spoken up. 

I know, I know. Thinking is hard. I recommend a couple of aspirins on the beside table, right next to the Lubriderm and the tissues.  

Lesson 2.

If you are going to call while under the influence of medication or libations, please make sure to hold your phone correctly.

I judge no one for their isms. You want to take a hit off the pipe while you’re talking to me? Absolutely, go for it. You just had 18 Red Bulls with Vodka, and you’re seeing dancing pink elephants? That’s freaking amazing, describe them in detail.

But for god’s sake, speak into the receiver. Don’t whisper. Don’t set the phone down and keep talking. Don’t hold the phone with the mouth piece to your ear. Your strumpet loves you, and wants to hear your slurry dulcet tones. There’s only so many times she can say, “What was that, sweetheart?” before an edge comes to her voice. And you don’t want that, right?

Also, I understand the cops are casing your home because they know you were kidnapped by aliens and that’s why your pupils are dilated. You take however much time you need to look out your windows. I’ll wait.

Lesson 3.

If you want to know, you need to share first.

Every guy wants to believe his cock is the biggest cock Mother Nature ever endowed a man with. (Well, no, that’s not true, some men get off on the exact opposite. But that’s an entirely different blog entry.) Your cock is enormous. Your cock is the size of a coke can. Your cock could knock an apple off the head of Shaquille O’Neal while you were both standing up arm’s length apart.

If you truly want to believe this is so, DO NOT ask the strumpet the biggest size she’s been with. Some strumpets will downsize to make the man feel big and mighty. I try my damndest for truth in advertising. Considering the kinds of things I have to lie about with these clients (Why, yes, I lost my right leg in the war. But I personally prefer the stump….makes me feel sexy…), I like to throw in a few real facts. Not only does it make me feel less like a prostitute, it makes it easier to remember the lesser details later.

I am not going to tell you the biggest cock I’ve been with is 4 inches to make you feel better about your 5 1/2. If you preface early on that you’re sporting a vanilla tootsie roll pop, I am more than willing to downsize for you. But do not expect me to make myself sound like the least sexually satisfied woman in the world just to pet your ego.

We’ll have more lessons another day. Now go home and do your homework.